Kicking my Fear in the Face

Kar
Feb 11, 2019
5 min read

8.34 km 570m gained

Well if anyone knows me well enough, they know I have a pretty irrational fear of avalanches. I am not sure where it even came from. Maybe its from the stories you hear of people being buried alive. Maybe its from lack of knowledge, or maybe it stems from the one time I got my leg caught in a tree well the snow caved in, and it was super hard to get it out. It also could be some new way my anxiety has decided to manifest itself. Who knows. All I know is it is very real, and comes up at some of the most random of times. I can be walking on the safest terrain, and it will bounce around in my head like a bouncy ball. I really enjoy snowshoeing so this irrational fear really gets in the way of me enjoying myself as soon as we start up an incline. I have really been trying to push back as of late against it, because I don't want something like this ruining my good times outside. I reached out to someone with a lot more backcountry experience then myself recently, in hopes to get out into some areas that would really push me out of my comfort zone. So last night I made a plan to head out with my sisters, and some members of our local Kootenay Mountaineering Club for a snowshoe into some different terrain. Well yesterday morning I woke up, checked the avalanche forecast, and the risk had changed overnight to considerable, and there was a special warning in our area for below the treeline. Well, I messaged my sister and told her I was not coming. I could have more then likely talked myself into it if it was moderate like the night before, but this morning I couldn't push myself to go. Then I sat down on the couch with my coffee, looked outside at the beautiful clear blue sky, and thought.... What the hell am I doing. I have never been up the Kootenay Pass on a bluebird day, and these people we are going with know the backcountry like the back of their hands. I argued with myself for 30 minutes. My fear at the forefront until I finally said Eff it. Packed up my shit, and messaged my sister back 15 mins prior to her departure that I was on my way. We met up with a friend of ours Lisa, and Goody(our new older mountaineer sister). There were a few new people I hadn't met before as well. Ben, Leroy, and Peter were great. Peter was on skis so made for an amazing trail breaker! Ben had great knowledge of terrain, as he is a forestry technician, and Leroy had a great sense of adventure. When we started out in the trees 5 km towards Creston from the Summit of Kootenay Pass I was not sure what I was in for. I was already nervous because of the avalanche forecast. When we got out of the trees I was relieved to be walking on a flat for a few kms along the powerlines. When I could see Wolf Peak in the distance that fear started to creep in. We headed back into the treeline along an old skin trail, until we lost it, and had to start freelancing our way up. This is where I could feel that fear creeping in deeper and deeper. We were switch backing through the trees higher and higher. I would look back and see the mountains through the trees behind us as we were ascending, but little did I know we weren't even near what would be the most challenging for me. It was really nice having confident leaders. They made me feel a lot more comfortable, and allowed me not to have the time to stop and think to succumb to that anxious feeling that was trying to ruin my good time. When we broke out of the treeline though I almost had a heart attack. We were way right, and were beside an avalanche chute. My heart was racing, and my legs were shaking, but those older more experienced mountaineers were so bold. We stopped here for a quick snack break, and I was hoping it was quick as they assessed the terrain because if another minute went by I was going to turn around. They scouted the safest route, and we were going almost straight up alongside the chute!(Not in it) Everyone was in agreeance, and I nodded because I honestly could not speak. So up we went one by one switch backing up my literal worst fear. My legs were shaking, and I could barely breathe. Leaving enough space in case something was to happen, we ascended what would be the scariest slope of my life. My sister, and I have snowshoes that are not really designed for peak bagging, but we made due. Thank god we brought poles. We finally reached a ridge just below the very top ridge, that had views for miles. I thought to myself thank god, I made it. Only seconds later they said well lets go, and see if we can make it to the top. I was like are you freaking kidding me... Higher!!? We ascended a bit higher on a very steep side slope, until our leader noticed a small slab starting to give to the left of us a bit higher up(On our entire ascent there was no cracking or whumphing so the snow pack was pretty good). He called the ascent here, and I saw for the first time in real life what real danger looked like. So we went to a safer spot on this ridge, and had our lunch with the most gorgeous views I had seen up Kootenay Pass. I am so grateful for this snowshoe. I learned so much about what is safe, and what is not. I learned what to legitimately be fearful about. I learned what signs point to do not carry on. These mountaineers are some of the best people you could snowshoe with, if avalanches are your worst fear. They literally jump off the edges of ridges and snowshoe down like a skier would. Their fearlessness just puts you in such a place of ok maybe this fear is a bit far fetched. Let me also remind you that these people have YEARS of experience, they have been on this terrain and complex avalanche terrain a ton. They push the bar, but also know when to say enough is enough, this is not safe. I have so much respect for them. I am also so proud of the courage I had to do this trek. Had I not pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and done this I would still have that illegitimate fear of avalanches. Now I know what is legitimate, and what isn't. I still plan on taking avalanche courses next fall, and highly recommend them to anyone that's headed out into the backcountry in winter. It is just tough to find one in our area for snowshoers, as people generally choose to backcountry ski, not peak bag in snowshoes lol. I also highly recommend also going with someone who has a lot of back country experience in the area you are adventuring to. Here are the photos of me kicking my avalanche fear in the face.